My explanation to my friends
Hi. You might remember me. You might not. Just in case, my name is Constance and yes, I'm still alive. I go by another name now too however. It's MAMA. Yes, I know it's been a while. We don't talk much anymore. It may be even months since we had our last conversation. But just so you know, I'm still here. And I'm still me.
I know I'm vague now when and if we talk. Things like, "yeah that sounds great, give me a call and I'll let you know" or " it's hard to get Everyone out the door on time but ill try" or even the all mighty " we're soooo broke now, maybe next time?" Seem to spill out of my mouth more often than not. I just wanted to let you know, it's all true. No money, no time, and no socializing. That's part of my life now. Not all of it, but yes, a big part of it.
It's not as if I don't want to go to this awesome ladies night that has super cheap drinks and great dancing until 3 am. That sounds fucking awesome. Please, please invite me. Just a heads up; I will probably have to say no. Every fibre of my party girl from years gone by is screaming 'Yes! Yes! You can dance and drink all night! You love to do that! And you have those incredibly gorgeous heels you bought on an impulse 8 months ago THAT YOU'VE NEVER WORN what a perfect time to wear them! And you have a dress that will work so well. And your hair and make up will be perfection, come on! You got to go! '
And then the mom in me says
' Yeah, right. Go on, go dance all night. Drink up butter cup, lap that happy juice right up. You know what's going to happen if you do? Tomorrow, when you want to sleep in? He's going to wake up EXTRA early, just out of spite. You weren't here to put him to bed, he missed you. And your husband is going to pretend to still be asleep and not hear it. How can he not hear he screaming? he must be dead, or at least he better be because your hungover like youve never been before. Oh and by the way, while you we're out blowing off steam and having fun, your husband decided to cook. He used every single pot, pan, spoon, and glass in the cupboards. And he left them everywhere, have fun on you scavenger hunt because your kid found them first. Surprise! Duck confit for breakfast! Good luck getting grease out of you're bed sheets, that shits never coming out. And what's that smell? Oh, it's just his diaper; smeared all over his crib and on the rug. It's okay though. It's not like you paid a ridiculous amount of money for that stupid carpet that you can't vacuum because of the stupid robot vacuum that was supposed to make your life easier and takes 4 hours to do a room the size of a closet. And that pounding in your head? Just take 19 Advil and you'll feel better. Wash them down with old milk that he didn't finish. Enjoy, you just had breakfast too! That's just chewed up peanut butt toast In the bottom of the glass that he didn't want to eat. And don't forget to clean up the cat puke that your husband keeps stepping over pretending not to see after he got up an hour after you did. Still retching from cleaning up the shit bomb that went off in the baby's room? Have fun! Remember its only 9 am!"
Yeah, that's my devil/angle on the shoulders battle I have every time you ask me out. The problem is i can't figure out which is which. The details aren't always the same, but that pretty much sums it up.
But please, don't forget about me. I miss you. I miss the old me. Not that the new me isn't fantastic and amazing; I think I'm pretty much the same. I just have bigger things on my plate now. I'm "responsible" now for someone else's well being. That's some fucking scary shit right there. Me? Really? Who would have thunk it? But it's not all that hard......and at the same time it's almost impossible every day.
I do love being a mom though. It is pretty freaking amazing waking up to someone who is always ecstatic to start the day with you. Always happy and smiling, running to show me whatever. A bug this time maybe. Falling because he was too excited and ran too fast. Running to me crying to kiss it better and babbling in baby what I can only assume means ' It was the bugs fault I fell!' Then I kiss it better and the tears magically stop and the smiles come back and we look at the bug that he squashed when he fell on it. He's so amazing and wonderful and I would fight a genetically modified shark/bear/spider/zombie combo to the death for him. No questioned asked. And I would win. You know why? Because I have NEVER in my life loved something as much as this little suicide machine. He is my life now. No matter what, he comes first.
And that's why I say no most of the time. Not because I've "changed" ( even though I have, but not like you think.) and not because I'm "different since I've had the baby" but because this little man, this little poop factory on two feet has made me realize that sometimes it's nice to sing someone to sleep (every night) or that waking up at god knows what hour means I get to spend more time with him. It is crazy how much you DO change but so much stays the same.
So hey! Think of me! Call me, text me, Facebook me, whatever you gotta do! I will say yes; eventually. Please! I'm still me! I love to do everything you like to do, that we used to do together! I just have a lot less time to do it now. I need to squeeze a whole other life into mine, and hunny, that ain't easy.
Sincerely,
Constance.
P.s. for anyone who wants to use this as an explanation to their friends why MAMA can't go out, feel free. We've all been there
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