I just wrote a post about parental bipolarness just a few days ago. And now today, after my baby slept from 7pm-530am straight (that is a seriously good night for him) and he napped for almost 1.5 hours (usually 35 mins), I am feeling completely invigorated and have some wind in my sails. It's kind of funny how little it takes to revive me.

I got an email recently about how my kid may have a spot in the coveted 7$/day day care. I have all sorts of thoughts on what this will look like for us. Ideally, right now, 6 months before it may even happen (if it happens), I'd like just part time. May be just 3 or 4 mornings a week. I don't have a job to go to but I would like to learn more French and this may allow me to do that. I am not sure the 7$ will let me be flexible and I may have to attend full time.

With this thought rolling around in my head and talking to my friend in the US who is a new mama where we chatted about we can't fathom going back to work after 6 weeks! But I honestly can't even imagine it after 6 months, almost. May be then. But I said that when my husband and I hypothetically talked about a US job, I immediately feel that I want to be a stay-at-home mom if we're lucky enough to have another kid. I was surprised to have that emotion. Even with the bipolar days, I love having this time with my son. I love helping him and learn and explore. And he's a really good kid. I know a lot of that is completely genetics, just who he is but I'd also like to think that our time together helps create a secure, fun environment where he feels like he can be that good kid.

And that gets me to thinking: why are women stay at home moms? Is it for them or for their kids? I get caught up in the idea of doing it for me. Because I want the experience and time to be with my kid. It's so amazing to watch him grow, learn, explore. I love it. The part that I trip up on is the fact that I want this experience for me. And in my case, it kind of is 'all I have' because I don't have a job. I get scared that in the future I will have been too focused on this and it will be hard to rebuild my life once my baby is really building his and moving forward.

And if I tell myself that I am staying at home for my kids sake, well, then I think about the stat my brother once told me about. Something like parents influence their kids 20% and kids do the rest (the shape the other 80). Then I wonder what influence I will have at all. I hope that I am building a solid foundation for that 20.


And then I guess this leads to the why have kids at all discussion, which is far too much for me to discuss here. In a sentence: I wanted kids to be part of my life story. Sounds selfish, no? But when you have the kid in your life you realize how completely selfless it is. And may be that's why I wanted it. I'd always tell my husband how self-centered I thought we were. We kind of had to be to protect ourselves because we were always going through such a challenge with his job search and moves and meeting people, but nonetheless we were selfish. And now, I don't think I've barely given myself a second thought except to think that I would like to be a stay-at-home mom. In the end, I do really enjoy it. So I guess for now that's all that matters.

Hardship of a traveling husband

My husband travels a lot for work. A lot. We figure he's gone about 1/4 of the year. And he's not just popping over to some close by city...he is always around the world, quite literally. He's many time zones ahead of us and a big long flight. While he's away I am on baby duty all by myself. When he first left when my baby was quite young, it didn't feel that much different bc I was really the carer (with the boobs). Yeah, my meals suffered a bit (my husband is an awesome cook) and there was monotony in washing dishes every night but I was ok. But now, I get pretty run down bc he's more involved in bed and bath time and also on weekends. Plus my kid gets up early early (think 4 or 5am) and barely naps, so my work day is long and I crash at the end of it. Not to mention taking care of our furry boy which adds a loved but sometimes difficult 2 walk quota.
The real hardship is that we are both completely gutted at the end of his trips. He's exhausted from intense weeks of work, long travel, jet lag. But I am exhausted from baby care, dog care, house care. I feel like I need a break and he feels like he needs to sleep in a few days. I can count on one hand, may be 2 the number of times i've 'slept in' in the last year and a half. I don't blame him. Shit, I'd want to sleep in and relax too. But he can't blame me either. Not only should I get to sleep in, but I should have stiff cocktails for a week, followed by massages. It's a no win situation.
Obviously this is all made harder by the fact that we don't have family here to sit with our baby one morning or take him out to the park. It's just me and my hubbie, doing the best we can, trying to continue to honor and love one another. We do a good job but man, sometimes it falters. New babies in a new city are a hard thing.

The possibility of bipolar emotions when Stay at Home

The swings of parenthood are a wild thing. One minute you're ready to poke your eye out with a fork because you can't handle the lack of sleep, screams, cries, poopy messes. You can't handle the stack of dishes to get to and the stack of enjoyment (books, emails, phone calls, runs) that would don't get to. But then the next moment you'll be overjoyed with the fact that your kid gave you a sweet hug and rubbed your back, that he said yes, please and thank you at one time. You'll be thrilled that your kid finds joy in small things that you like to--bark on trees, rain drops, the sound of birds. You love that your kid wants to read books the moment he gets up, that he add to your songs with hoorays and yeahs.
It is this very bipolar nature that actually drives me crazy. I am not sure it's because I am a stay at home mom, or new to this city with just a few friends (I dont have solid friends here to confide in my bipolar emotions) but it seems my emotions are intensified. Like anything in most people's lives, the good things get a bit glossed over and the bad things send you on a spiral where you lash out a bit. I am trying to make the first step...not to stop the bipolar emotions because really, my kid is a bit bipolar, as he should be. Things are blowing his mind and he's figuring it all out. But what I really want is for the low moments not to get me down. I don't want to blame my kid for them. I don't want to blame myself for them. I don't want to blame my husband, or this town, or the fact that I am far away from my family and feel lonely. I just want to recognize it and do just as I've said to my kid 'no, thank you.' Because you know what, in fact, we are living a good life here. And we have such good things going. I don't want to get further along in this life, in my story, and regret not soaking in all of this experience. But I don't want the bad to outshine the good, I want to forget the crap and just remember the shining moment like when my kid first got the concept of 2, walked his first steps, conveyed his opinion in a thoughtful way and laughed with me in the tub. This is my life and I choose to try to accept things as they are--I only get one life and so far one kid.

Christmas Tradition Ideas

We really like the idea of having family traditions for our family, especially during the holidays. The only tradition we had in my family was to see a movie on Christmas Day.  My husband has more traditions but I think we'll carry forward a nice brunch with monkey bread and also slippers filled with goodies for Saint Nick Day. Some other ideas that I like:
-Volunteering at a soup kitchen for both Thanksgiving and Christmas
-Giving a few of your current toys away
-Making cookie day
-Reading a christmas story every night for the month of December
-Advent calendar with family activities for each day or week
-Orange in the toe of stocking
-Christmas Eve box with pjs, movies and snack to be watched during break
-Get a tablecloth, and some colored permanent markers. Trace the hands of all present for dinner, and write something you're thankful for in the hand. Date it too, and then it's really fun the next year. 
-Going for a nighttime walk
-eating dinner by candlelight. 

Making tree decoration a tradition in itself-the music, hot cocoa, popcorn-

-Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day brunch the same dishes year in year out made the meals tradition and ceremony.

-Buying gifts for children/families in need. 

-An annual outdoor excursion (when kids are older) a special hike 

Boob bites

My baby's first tooth started to show almost a month ago to the day. And this morning I felt the second one. Bite down hard on my boob. My nipple to be more exact. I did what I heard was best to do, say no sternly and put the baby down. He'd look at me with lit up eyes and a big smile thinking my stern voice was a game. After I put him down, he got upset so I picked him up again and tried again. Ouch! and one more time. Ouch! so we went about our day.

Then came nap time in which my babe likes to be nursed a little just before. This time it was 4 bites. Same excited reaction from my no. Same stern reaction from me. This time I put him in his crib each time. So it took 7 good chomps before my baby understood. He nursed a lot today and most of the day was very good.

Parenting is hard and wonderful business.

Lonely in a big land

My husband and I have been very fortunate to have met such nice people here. And I think it surprises Canadians to know that they have a pretty good reputation world-wide, well certainly in the US. We would giggle about how kind they were, so nice that their buses said 'Sorry, out of service'. American buses tend to leave out the apology. So we're not that surprised that we'd happen upon some great people.

It's cute because the Montrealers we've met, or come to think of it the Toronoto-ers (?) too, refer to going out to the country for x amount of time (weekend, day, etc). I don't think urbanites really do this in the US. Sure, we go to the country but we call it by another name, a more specific destination--town, campsite, etc. So we were invited for a weekend in the country. We made our way out to this idyllic spot with babe in tow. We were one of may be 10 adults and one other kiddo. The old weekend in a house of strangers would mean staying up late, playing games, having drinks. The new time in a house of strangers meant following every move your baby makes in a very unbaby friendly home (the host admitted she knew nothing about baby proofing and I confessed I knew nothing about it either until my babe moved around and showed me what to be concerned with. I don't blame her). And then there's feeding your baby, bathing your babe and of course the (dreaded) napping and sleeping. I left the weekend not feeling like I knew the 8 other adults any better. It was really sad for me. I didn't feel refreshed after it seems one should from time in the country. I didn't feel more connected to some sweet souls. I just felt like a tired mama who did everything she could to make sure her babe was happy and content.

And then that experience reminded me of how tired I am of it all. See, this is not the first time my husband and I have lived abroad (can you call it living abroad when you live in Canada?). And it's also not our first time in a new city, in fact we've lived in a lot of places. I have lived in 7 cities in my life and I grew up in the same very small town for 13 of those years. And you know what, you get tired. It's all very exciting and wonderful. And it's tiring too. It's hard to put yourself out there time after time to meet people, connect, question, laugh, ponder, extend. I have kind of spent my own social capital. I have no more dollars. And any social energy I have, I spend it on my kid. I don't mean to. I told myself I'd always have my own life, my own things. But by the time there is any time for me, I am done. Some how I have to muster enough energy to build a small community in this place that feels so lovely and so odd at one time.

My future, one day: Dealing with back talk

My friend posted on FB to get advice on how to deal with back talk. Her example:
Her: Don't put your shoes on the counter, that's where we put our food.
Response: You put your food on plates and cutting boards that our on the counter.
Asked again...tantrum.

Some great ideas for how to deal:
-What works for my "no gray area" child. Stop giving a reason for reasonable requests. You don't have to justify everything. State what is undesirable and then state what you want her to do. "Don't put your shoes on the counter; put your shoes on the floor by the sliding glass door." And then, thanks (immediate and recognize when / if she remembers next time). Note I removed "dirty" since that gives her the opportunity to argue that the shoes are clean.

-Another thing that worked for mine at that age was "gamifying" (OK, bribing him) to avoid arguments. If he did as told without questioning / arguing / negotiating, he got to put a marble into a jar. (That was important. He liked picking which marble and putting it in the jar so that was part of it.) When the jar was full we did a predetermined fun activity (no "stuff"). Started with a TINY jar and a TINY reward - but still enough to pique his interest. Then worked up to bigger jars and corresponding bigger rewards. After a while there was an option for me to remove marbles but found that didn't work well. If there were no marbles then he had "nothing to lose" and he exploited that. He was allowed to ask "why" after the task was done and the marble was in the jar. But beyond any reward system the key was (and still is): you HAVE to state clearly what you WANT them to do, not just the "don't". Seriously, he will be 18 in 18 days and if I tell him "Stop doing X" there are still situations when he cannot figure out what he is supposed to do instead, because that's how he's wired. Want to guess how tough this has been to deal with at school, other parents, and random strangers? Inhale. Exhale. Drink beer. Hugs.

-My response would have been, "The only acceptable response to that is yes ma'am while you move your shoes. That's warning #1." She gets 2 warnings and on the 3rd offense gets a consequence. BUT the next time you ask her to do something and does not talk back- tell her you noticed she didn't argue or talk back and that you are proud of her for acting like such a big girl.

-Ok, I am clearly in the minority here, and I hesitate to respond since we obviously have different situations, but if she is not responding with sass, why not actually respond to her questioning the sense of it? If she's really thinking it through, isn't that a good thing (a sign of intelligence)? With Owen we find that if we respond with a logical answer (and some humor if possible) instead of being authoritarian, then we keep it a conversation instead of an argument. I believe that you can pick your battles; you don't have to fight them all to show you are in charge.

- I have a very clear memory of getting in serious trouble for talking back, probably around this age, and genuinely not understanding what I was doing wrong. I thought I was having a conversation/ answering a question/ etc. I have no idea if this is what LG is thinking or not. So I would also tend toward just responding with "Please do what I asked. If you really want to talk about how germs work, we can do that later." Or something like that. Hugs. Parenting = not for the faint of heart, and you are fabulous at it!