I just wrote a post about parental bipolarness just a few days ago. And now today, after my baby slept from 7pm-530am straight (that is a seriously good night for him) and he napped for almost 1.5 hours (usually 35 mins), I am feeling completely invigorated and have some wind in my sails. It's kind of funny how little it takes to revive me.

I got an email recently about how my kid may have a spot in the coveted 7$/day day care. I have all sorts of thoughts on what this will look like for us. Ideally, right now, 6 months before it may even happen (if it happens), I'd like just part time. May be just 3 or 4 mornings a week. I don't have a job to go to but I would like to learn more French and this may allow me to do that. I am not sure the 7$ will let me be flexible and I may have to attend full time.

With this thought rolling around in my head and talking to my friend in the US who is a new mama where we chatted about we can't fathom going back to work after 6 weeks! But I honestly can't even imagine it after 6 months, almost. May be then. But I said that when my husband and I hypothetically talked about a US job, I immediately feel that I want to be a stay-at-home mom if we're lucky enough to have another kid. I was surprised to have that emotion. Even with the bipolar days, I love having this time with my son. I love helping him and learn and explore. And he's a really good kid. I know a lot of that is completely genetics, just who he is but I'd also like to think that our time together helps create a secure, fun environment where he feels like he can be that good kid.

And that gets me to thinking: why are women stay at home moms? Is it for them or for their kids? I get caught up in the idea of doing it for me. Because I want the experience and time to be with my kid. It's so amazing to watch him grow, learn, explore. I love it. The part that I trip up on is the fact that I want this experience for me. And in my case, it kind of is 'all I have' because I don't have a job. I get scared that in the future I will have been too focused on this and it will be hard to rebuild my life once my baby is really building his and moving forward.

And if I tell myself that I am staying at home for my kids sake, well, then I think about the stat my brother once told me about. Something like parents influence their kids 20% and kids do the rest (the shape the other 80). Then I wonder what influence I will have at all. I hope that I am building a solid foundation for that 20.


And then I guess this leads to the why have kids at all discussion, which is far too much for me to discuss here. In a sentence: I wanted kids to be part of my life story. Sounds selfish, no? But when you have the kid in your life you realize how completely selfless it is. And may be that's why I wanted it. I'd always tell my husband how self-centered I thought we were. We kind of had to be to protect ourselves because we were always going through such a challenge with his job search and moves and meeting people, but nonetheless we were selfish. And now, I don't think I've barely given myself a second thought except to think that I would like to be a stay-at-home mom. In the end, I do really enjoy it. So I guess for now that's all that matters.