Lonely in a big land

My husband and I have been very fortunate to have met such nice people here. And I think it surprises Canadians to know that they have a pretty good reputation world-wide, well certainly in the US. We would giggle about how kind they were, so nice that their buses said 'Sorry, out of service'. American buses tend to leave out the apology. So we're not that surprised that we'd happen upon some great people.

It's cute because the Montrealers we've met, or come to think of it the Toronoto-ers (?) too, refer to going out to the country for x amount of time (weekend, day, etc). I don't think urbanites really do this in the US. Sure, we go to the country but we call it by another name, a more specific destination--town, campsite, etc. So we were invited for a weekend in the country. We made our way out to this idyllic spot with babe in tow. We were one of may be 10 adults and one other kiddo. The old weekend in a house of strangers would mean staying up late, playing games, having drinks. The new time in a house of strangers meant following every move your baby makes in a very unbaby friendly home (the host admitted she knew nothing about baby proofing and I confessed I knew nothing about it either until my babe moved around and showed me what to be concerned with. I don't blame her). And then there's feeding your baby, bathing your babe and of course the (dreaded) napping and sleeping. I left the weekend not feeling like I knew the 8 other adults any better. It was really sad for me. I didn't feel refreshed after it seems one should from time in the country. I didn't feel more connected to some sweet souls. I just felt like a tired mama who did everything she could to make sure her babe was happy and content.

And then that experience reminded me of how tired I am of it all. See, this is not the first time my husband and I have lived abroad (can you call it living abroad when you live in Canada?). And it's also not our first time in a new city, in fact we've lived in a lot of places. I have lived in 7 cities in my life and I grew up in the same very small town for 13 of those years. And you know what, you get tired. It's all very exciting and wonderful. And it's tiring too. It's hard to put yourself out there time after time to meet people, connect, question, laugh, ponder, extend. I have kind of spent my own social capital. I have no more dollars. And any social energy I have, I spend it on my kid. I don't mean to. I told myself I'd always have my own life, my own things. But by the time there is any time for me, I am done. Some how I have to muster enough energy to build a small community in this place that feels so lovely and so odd at one time.