I just wrote a post about parental bipolarness just a few days ago. And now today, after my baby slept from 7pm-530am straight (that is a seriously good night for him) and he napped for almost 1.5 hours (usually 35 mins), I am feeling completely invigorated and have some wind in my sails. It's kind of funny how little it takes to revive me.

I got an email recently about how my kid may have a spot in the coveted 7$/day day care. I have all sorts of thoughts on what this will look like for us. Ideally, right now, 6 months before it may even happen (if it happens), I'd like just part time. May be just 3 or 4 mornings a week. I don't have a job to go to but I would like to learn more French and this may allow me to do that. I am not sure the 7$ will let me be flexible and I may have to attend full time.

With this thought rolling around in my head and talking to my friend in the US who is a new mama where we chatted about we can't fathom going back to work after 6 weeks! But I honestly can't even imagine it after 6 months, almost. May be then. But I said that when my husband and I hypothetically talked about a US job, I immediately feel that I want to be a stay-at-home mom if we're lucky enough to have another kid. I was surprised to have that emotion. Even with the bipolar days, I love having this time with my son. I love helping him and learn and explore. And he's a really good kid. I know a lot of that is completely genetics, just who he is but I'd also like to think that our time together helps create a secure, fun environment where he feels like he can be that good kid.

And that gets me to thinking: why are women stay at home moms? Is it for them or for their kids? I get caught up in the idea of doing it for me. Because I want the experience and time to be with my kid. It's so amazing to watch him grow, learn, explore. I love it. The part that I trip up on is the fact that I want this experience for me. And in my case, it kind of is 'all I have' because I don't have a job. I get scared that in the future I will have been too focused on this and it will be hard to rebuild my life once my baby is really building his and moving forward.

And if I tell myself that I am staying at home for my kids sake, well, then I think about the stat my brother once told me about. Something like parents influence their kids 20% and kids do the rest (the shape the other 80). Then I wonder what influence I will have at all. I hope that I am building a solid foundation for that 20.


And then I guess this leads to the why have kids at all discussion, which is far too much for me to discuss here. In a sentence: I wanted kids to be part of my life story. Sounds selfish, no? But when you have the kid in your life you realize how completely selfless it is. And may be that's why I wanted it. I'd always tell my husband how self-centered I thought we were. We kind of had to be to protect ourselves because we were always going through such a challenge with his job search and moves and meeting people, but nonetheless we were selfish. And now, I don't think I've barely given myself a second thought except to think that I would like to be a stay-at-home mom. In the end, I do really enjoy it. So I guess for now that's all that matters.

Hardship of a traveling husband

My husband travels a lot for work. A lot. We figure he's gone about 1/4 of the year. And he's not just popping over to some close by city...he is always around the world, quite literally. He's many time zones ahead of us and a big long flight. While he's away I am on baby duty all by myself. When he first left when my baby was quite young, it didn't feel that much different bc I was really the carer (with the boobs). Yeah, my meals suffered a bit (my husband is an awesome cook) and there was monotony in washing dishes every night but I was ok. But now, I get pretty run down bc he's more involved in bed and bath time and also on weekends. Plus my kid gets up early early (think 4 or 5am) and barely naps, so my work day is long and I crash at the end of it. Not to mention taking care of our furry boy which adds a loved but sometimes difficult 2 walk quota.
The real hardship is that we are both completely gutted at the end of his trips. He's exhausted from intense weeks of work, long travel, jet lag. But I am exhausted from baby care, dog care, house care. I feel like I need a break and he feels like he needs to sleep in a few days. I can count on one hand, may be 2 the number of times i've 'slept in' in the last year and a half. I don't blame him. Shit, I'd want to sleep in and relax too. But he can't blame me either. Not only should I get to sleep in, but I should have stiff cocktails for a week, followed by massages. It's a no win situation.
Obviously this is all made harder by the fact that we don't have family here to sit with our baby one morning or take him out to the park. It's just me and my hubbie, doing the best we can, trying to continue to honor and love one another. We do a good job but man, sometimes it falters. New babies in a new city are a hard thing.

The possibility of bipolar emotions when Stay at Home

The swings of parenthood are a wild thing. One minute you're ready to poke your eye out with a fork because you can't handle the lack of sleep, screams, cries, poopy messes. You can't handle the stack of dishes to get to and the stack of enjoyment (books, emails, phone calls, runs) that would don't get to. But then the next moment you'll be overjoyed with the fact that your kid gave you a sweet hug and rubbed your back, that he said yes, please and thank you at one time. You'll be thrilled that your kid finds joy in small things that you like to--bark on trees, rain drops, the sound of birds. You love that your kid wants to read books the moment he gets up, that he add to your songs with hoorays and yeahs.
It is this very bipolar nature that actually drives me crazy. I am not sure it's because I am a stay at home mom, or new to this city with just a few friends (I dont have solid friends here to confide in my bipolar emotions) but it seems my emotions are intensified. Like anything in most people's lives, the good things get a bit glossed over and the bad things send you on a spiral where you lash out a bit. I am trying to make the first step...not to stop the bipolar emotions because really, my kid is a bit bipolar, as he should be. Things are blowing his mind and he's figuring it all out. But what I really want is for the low moments not to get me down. I don't want to blame my kid for them. I don't want to blame myself for them. I don't want to blame my husband, or this town, or the fact that I am far away from my family and feel lonely. I just want to recognize it and do just as I've said to my kid 'no, thank you.' Because you know what, in fact, we are living a good life here. And we have such good things going. I don't want to get further along in this life, in my story, and regret not soaking in all of this experience. But I don't want the bad to outshine the good, I want to forget the crap and just remember the shining moment like when my kid first got the concept of 2, walked his first steps, conveyed his opinion in a thoughtful way and laughed with me in the tub. This is my life and I choose to try to accept things as they are--I only get one life and so far one kid.