ohmigod: I look like the dead.

My labor and delivery was pretty long--somewhere over 36 hours. But it all went smooth until just after my baby was born and rushed off to the NICU. He was in the hospital for 12 days. I never felt so exhausted in my entire life. We had just moved to Montreal and barely knew a soul. We were spending very long days at the hospital, coming home for dinner and sleep and then would do it all over again. I would pump at home and produce no milk. I would pump at the hospital and get just a little. It was sad, hard, overwhelming.  My husband describes it as thinking of the most stressful time of your life (a job, final exams, sickness of a relative) and never getting a break from it. And then bringing home a new baby. Woof!
I haven't had more than 5 hours of sleep a night in almost 6 months. And 5 hours is a high estimate. I am always on high alert and hear every sound my baby makes, as most moms probably do. I kind of feel like I never really sleep. Sleep was hard the first 3 months and we were also adjusting as new parents. Month 4 sleep was even harder. My baby wanted to boob from 1am-6am most days and I couldn't sleep like that even when lying down. I would go in and out of bad sleep. I would look at myself and the bags under my eyes--ugh!
And then we started teaching to sleep and the sleep hasn't gotten better for me. It's gotten much better for my baby though, which is what matters. I get up 3 times a night to dream feed bc my babe is a wee guy. That's not the problem. The problem is that I hate this sleep training. It's been 9 nights and I'd say only 3 have them have been really good. A handful okay with just an hour of crying. And a handful with lots of crying. The crying is what gets me. I feel like an awful parent. I actually feel kind of like a werewolf transforming when he cries--it's like a I get a tick that won't stop. I can't handle it. It's in my genetic make up as a mama, I suppose. And it's just who I am. I tell my husband that I can never do this again and I don't know if I could have kid #2 because of it. I am a sissy and parenting is not for sissies. It's so hard for me to relax afterwards so that also affects my sleep. I wake up with every tiny cry and sigh out, I am on hyper alert. But my husband swears it's for the best. And I do think it has helped our baby sleep. I am not sure I would recommend it to other parents. Most say 'It takes 3 nights.' I am here to say that is not the case with our baby. it's hard. I'll let you know if it ever pays off. And I will continue to look like a puffy eyed zombie. No wonder women can't loose those pregnant pounds.  I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Wow, sleep is important for all.